I'm writing this on the train from Ottawa to Toronto. I'm too cheap to pay to use the VIA Rail internet access¹, so I'll post it later. But there's an electrical outlet at every set of seats, so I can actually use my laptop for the whole trip and not worry about the battery dying. It's sweet to be here in the future.

I put together the syllabus for the course I'm teaching in January and gone so far as to start putting together my first lecture. And I've even jotted down a few ideas for assignments². So I feel like I've actually accomplished something, sort of. So now I can goof off and blog and perhaps take a wee nap as I'm kinda sleepy³. However, I am suffering from a wicked case of writer's block⁴, so nap time it is! Night!

¹but it's nice to know that it's available in case I some day make enough money to both buy a train ticket *and* pay for Internet access.
²It's my first time teaching this course and I'm not in love with the assignments that were given last year, so I'm trying to come up with new ones.
³This may or may not have anything to do with staying up 'til 2 a.m. watching Veronica Mars.
⁴Which may or may not have anything to do with being distracted by the teenagers sitting next to me, yammering loudly about how they are in the cadets. It's all "drinking game" this and "drinking on army base" that.

Either Ottawa hates¹ or loves me so much that it really, really wants me have a reason to return, because everything we tried to do today was a no go.

First, we couldn't go to the Diefenbunker as the tour was all booked up when we called to make a reservation. Then, The Green Door was inexplicably closed when we tried to go there for dinner. Bah!

It worked out in the end though. We hung out at Sarah's parents place, where we had lunch, chatted for a bit, and then Sarah's mom gave me three (3!) pairs of shoes²! Then we watched more Veronica Mars and we ended up going to another restaurant, a veggie Thai place, that made most delicious food, for dinner. And, honestly, Sarah & Dave are just fun to hang out with, no matter what you are doing. And now I have an excuse to come back to O-town - 'cuz I totally need to check out the Diefenbunker!

¹Since they put a giant spider in front of the National Gallery, I'm leaning towards the former.
²And you all know how desperately I need more shoes!

Peanuts

So, it appears that my blog will now be an aunty blog¹, at least until I head to Ottawa on the 26th. I can't help it though - my niece is just so damn cute! I'll try to throw in the occasional cougar reference, lustful thoughts about the Canucks or snarky comment about David Emerson that "Not to Be Trusted with Knives" readers have come to expect², so as not to lose my readership completely as I oooh and ahhh over my niece's brilliance.

Today, we baked cookies. In our pyjamas³. These are to be the "best cookies that I ate in the whole world." I think the secret is that my niece was rolling the dough "back and forest." Right now the cookies are cooling and my niece is napping, hence the opportunity to do the blogging, although I should be cleaning up the kitchen, which is a right disaster. There was also a pre-baking song and dance - the song went something like "I can do it all by myself! But sometimes it's OK to ask your parents for help if you need help because sometimes you are too tiny and you can't do it but it's OK because you can ask for help to get some milk and you can feed your pets if you have pets at home I have two cats at my home and they are named Pakita and Monkey and I can feed them but sometimes it's OK to ask for help from your parents." And the song must be sung while shaking maracas, must be sung completely out of tune and must continue on until Aunt Beth nearly collapses from exhaustion with all the dancing around the kitchen. I have no idea where the hell kids get that kind of energy!

But the really funny thing she said³, I wasn't actually there to hear. She went up to my sister last night and said, "Girls have vaginas. Boys have peanuts."

¹Not unlike "mommy" bloggers, just with less responsibility.
²I'm on vacation so, much to the disappointment of my email subscribing friend, I won't be talking about thigh highs.
³My pyjamas are hospital scrubs. They are very comfy.
⁴Are you totally sick of this yet? Is anyone still reading?

I Have A Lot of Cake in My Life

Did I ever mention that my niece is the most brilliant, most adorable child ever to walk the face of the Earth?

Last night she told me a story. "Once up on a time there was a little girl named Aunt Beth and she had blue eyes and a black and silver shiny necklace. And she had a zipper that went up and hid her necklace and then down and you could see her necklace." Then the up and down of the zipper part of the story repeated for about a half an hour. I think this may have been related to her desire to avoid bedtime.

She also told me about the three birthday cakes she had this year: a flower one at her party with her dad, a Scooby Doo one when they went to visit my aunts & uncles in Montreal and a horse one at her party with her mom. "On my next birthday, I want a cow cake. And the next one, I want a sheep cake. And the next one I want a moose cake. And the next one, I want a snowman cake. [thougthful pause] I have a lot of cake in my life."

Staying at my sister's new place, my bed is a futon mattress on the floor of my niece's room. My sister said to her, "When you get up in the morning, be careful not to step on Aunt Beth." "I won't step on Aunt Beth's bones," she says, "It's not nice to step on people's

When my niece finally went to bed, she wanted everyone else to go to bed too. We told her we wished that we could be so luck as to go to bed, but we had to stay up and do laundry. Oh poor us! We may have neglected to mention that doing laundry involves about 30 seconds of work and 3 hours of Guitar Hero¹.

¹I have never played Guitar Hero before and I must say that I suck pretty bad. It took me about 27 attempts to get past the first song². My sister, on the other hand, kicked Slash's ass in a battle. Rock on, Fussness Business³.
²I did, however, rock at "Hit Me With Your Best Shot."
³"Fussness Business" being the name of my sister's band in Guitar Hero. My band is named "Rogue Scientist."

Double Think

I have been telling myself for weeks that I have a good 5 hour flight to Toronto during which to start planning my course (the one that starts in January). I have also been telling myself that the reason I like to take the red eye flight is that I can sleep on the plane and thus don't feel like I've lost a whole day due to traveling¹. It only occurred for me yesterday evening as I was packing for my 11:50 p.m. flight that I can't do both of these things.

So, which of these did I end up doing on the flight? Neither. I spent most of the time chatting with the very friendly and very entertaining girl who was sitting next to me². A girl who just so happened to have seen this picture of me from last year's Northern Voice conference the just other day. Small freaking world.

¹It's about a 4.5 hr flight, plus a 3 hour time difference.
²Although I did sleep for about an hour, as we started to watch the in-flight movie³, which seemed entertaining, but apparently not enough to keep me awake at 2 a.m.
³Ratatouille.

Products That I Just Don't Understand

On my recent flight to Vegas, I found myself flipping through "SkyMall" - the catalog for those who can't last a whole three hours without satisfying their need to purchase stuff. And this catalog was rife with items that I just can't imagine anyone actually purchasing. Things like:

Seriously? Do people really want to brand their beef?

And you might think it's just because I'm a vegetarian that I wouldn't want to buy a beef brand. But I also don't want to brand my toast:

And while it was the branding of the toast by this product that first caught my attention, upon closer reading of the description of this item, I noticed this:

Seriously? We need a digital countdown to tell us when our toast is ready? Doesn't the "pop" of the toaster popping tell you all you need to know? And then I noticed this:

Are people really willing to pay $130 for a toaster that tells you when the toast is ready... just like every other toaster ever invented???

Here's another product I just don't get. Perhaps I'm missing something here, but I just don't understand why you would buy this:

If you have a device that uses wifi, doesn't it already detect hot spots and their signal strength? Why would you need a separate item, which doesn't do anything else, for this purpose?

Want to make sure your kid grows up to be a good consumer? Why not give them a fake ATM to play with:

Much like with cola, it's important to start kids' learning about how to spend-spend-spend early!

I think this picture speaks for itself:

Giddy up!!

And thank god I can finally "STOP COUNTING THUNDER!"

Because, you know, I spend so much time counting thunder, this is going to be a real time saver!

And can someone explain to me how, exactly, they get away with saying this is the "world's largest" storage tower?

Really? You've seen all the CD storage towers in the entire world and this one is the biggest? Really?

Next up, Items That I Would NEVER Use to Decorate My Place:

This totally makes me think of the "major award" that the father wins in A Christmas Story.

And what yard is complete without a two foot tall statue of Bigfoot? Creative gardening style indeed!

This is just sad. I don't want a "total environmental makeover"¹ - I want a Christmas tree, dammit!

Now we have Items That Allow You to More Effectively Neglect Your Pets:

Because cats are just so high maintenance that you need a device to keep them occupied "so you can do other things." Why do I suspect that the "other things" the type of person who buys this item has to do are, like, watching TV for 8 hours straight? "Momma's watchin' her stories, kitty, go play with your laser."

Also for people who are too busy for their pets, why not get this lovely 8 Day Autopetfeeder:

Going away for 8 days? Sure, you could do the responsible thing and have someone watch your pet, or put them in a cat-spa/doggy daycare/whatever you call those places where actual human beings care for your pets while you are away, but why not just leave them some food in an automated dish instead? I mean, what else could your pet need in EIGHT DAYS??

Finally, we have Items That Make Me Shake My Head in Disbelief at the State of Humanity.

Such as this brush that regrows hair:

It's "consistently seen in the news and magazines,"² so who I am to question that?

And this sure looks like good times:

"Imagine the faces of your pre-game buddies when they see you kicking back in this"?² Shouldn't that say "imagine the faces of your pre-game buddies when they kick your ass for spending $200 to look like an asshat?

This one just makes me sad.

This woman not only has no one to spoon her and has to use this pillow to simulate spooning, but she got herself a rose. Because clearly no one else loves her.

Perhaps she's alone because she "easily hid" this item in the car...

... to find out where her spouse was going³.

And finally, because you should always save the best for last:

It's about time we had cookies that make you lose weight! As a nutritional scientist, I can see absolutely nothing wrong with this idea. Nothing!

¹Who writes this stuff anyway?
²ibid
³Which reminds me, while waiting for luggage at Vancouver airport after the flight home, the man next to me was very loudly talking to his buddies about HIS MISTRESS! Saying things like "So my wife was kind of suspicious, but I said, "I can't even handle you, what would I do with two women??" and "Never admit it. Never. That's the two million dollar mistake." So if you (or someone you know) have a husband who flew from Vegas to Vancouver on US Airways on November 3, you (or they) might want to get yourself a good lawyer - apparently there's 2 million dollars in it for you.

Money that goes to Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Yeah, so, Vegas. It's a place I went¹. And I heard that all y'all wanted to hear about it. So here goes - everything you've ever heard about Vegas is true. Overwhelming sights and sounds - check. Oxygen and delightful scents and free drinks pumped into casinos, where there are no clocks/windows/any way of telling how long you've been there, to keep you gambling as long as possible - check. People walking the streets with foot tall tubes of booze - check. Guy at the slot machine next to you getting "comped"² because he lost so much money that the casino is willing to give him a free hotel room so he'll stay and lose more - check. Giant pyramid with a light shooting off the top that can be seen from outer space - check. People standing on street corners flicking business cards of prostitutes - check.

The one thing that you hear about Vegas that isn't true - people carrying buckets of coins around. All the slot machines have been changed to run on paper money and when you cash out, they print a ticket that you have to redeem at a cashier's desk. No coins comes falling down when you win - it's just credits on the screen - and when the slot machine prints out your little ticket, it makes this lame noise that is supposed to sound like coins falling jdown into the little now-vestigial metal tray at the bottom of the machine. Lame city!! Maybe next time I go to Vegas, I'll bring my own bucket and put my little paper ticket into my bucket, just to screw with everyone's head.

Stuff seen in Vegas:

• Magician comedian who was filling in for Mac King at Harrah's and whose name escapes me at the moment. Had a pretty funny schtick where he made it look like he'd screwed up the trick and then it would turn out to be a fairly neat trick after all.³
  
• Dead bodies.
• Mamma Mia - the musical based on ABBA songs. I swear, you'd think ABBA wrote their songs for that plot - it's soooo well constructed.
• The Blue Man Group. This blew my fucking mind. Like nothing I've EVER seen before. OMG, you need to see this. NEED TO!
  

Blue Man & Me.
The fact that I wore a blue dress this day is merely coincidental.

Most nauseating thing seen in Vegas:

• Picture this: You are playing your little $1 chips at the roulette table, mumbling under your breath that the $15 minimum really is too rich for your blood. A man walks up and lays 10 $100 bills on the table and asks for one chip. The dealer carefully counts the money out and hands over a $1000 chip. He lays the chip on black and walks away, doesn't even watch the little ball spinning around the roulette wheel. The little ball lands on red. Bye-bye $1000! Then he does the same thing again - another 10 $100 bills, another $1000 chip on black and another loss. Then, just for good measure, he plays $100 on splitting the zeros and loses again. It seriously made me feel sick. If someone is willing to part with $2100 in like 45 seconds, why not just give it to charity??
  

Things learned in Vegas:

• Tony Danza, Barry Manilow, Toni Braxton, all the people you thought were dead are, in fact, performing in Vegas. I think this means (a) they are not dead after all, or (b) Vegas is the afterlife for third rate celebs.
• When playing roulette, you may be tempted to play Canucks jersey numbers... 22 - Daniel Sedin, 33 - Henrik Sedin, 16 - Linden, 9 - Pyatt, 7 - Morrison, etc. Don't. Just don't.
• Waitresses will only come by to bring you free drinks when either (a) your down to your last dollar on the slot machine or (b) you say, "I'm cashing out if I don't win on the next spin!" So that you'll have to stay around waiting that free drink and will put more money in the machine. They have it down to a freakin' science, I swear.
• Vegas waitresses are not as hot as I have been led to believe. I'm willing to bet, though, that they make more money than I do.
• If you walk around Vegas dressed as a bat, even on Halloween, you will get a lot of looks.
  
• Everything in the Venetian is made of gold... including the toilets⁴.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• The red carpets you see celebrities photographed on showing them going into Vegas nightclubs.... they don't actually go anywhere! It's just a bit of red carpet and a backdrop set up in the hallway for photo ops. As is my habit when I see ropes blocking things off or signs telling you not to go somewhere, I hopped over the ropes to get this paparazzi shot:

And speaking of photos, I took these pics for Sarah & Dave:

Saw our favourite arcade game, which is found in every bar, pub, tavern and daycare⁵ in Calgary, in one of the hotels in Vegas and just had to take a pic for you!

Then I noticed this poor man's Big Buck Hunter, called "Deer Hunting USA" right next to it. Apparently it also has "Animated Violence: Mild."

So that, in a nutshell, was my trip to Vegas.

¹Tip o'the hat to David T. McLean, Esq.
²comped = getting free stuff (like a free buffet, a free hotel room) when you lose lots of cash at a casino.
³Wow. My description makes it sound really lame, but it wasn't - it was quite good!
⁴Yes, I took a picture of the toilet. See, there is nothing I won't do for you, gentle blog reader. Nothing!
⁵OK, so we didn't actually go to any daycares in Calgary, but I'm willing to put money on them all having Big Buck Hunter.

Did Ya Miss Me?

I'm back from my gallivanting. Too tired to write about it all now¹, but since a picture is worth a thousand words, here's 2K worth of words for ya...

This is me on Halloween night at, let's say, The Bellagio².

This is me and my beloved eBay shoes in, let's say, The Venetian³. This picture was taken especially for you, blog readers, because I know you *love* updates on the adventures of my ebay shoes.

¹Perhaps I'll pull a Dave and write about *my* trip to Vegas 472 days after said trip.
² I have to admit that I have trouble remembering which hotel/casino was which because (a) I saw one hell of a lot of hotels/casinos on this trip, (b) each hotel/casino was more ornate than anything I'd *ever* seen in my life, (c) the hotels/casinos were so friggin' big you could be walking for like half an hour and still be in the same friggin' hotel/casino, meaning that I often didn't know which hotel I was in at any given point in time. Also, (d) they give you free drinks.
³ibid

Gone Vacationing

Don't wait up.

P.S. Happy Canada Day

Last Canada Day, I gave you a picture that I had stolen off the internets and was off to the beach, as we were in the midst of a heat wave. Today, despite the forcast telling us that it would be rainy all weekend, I sit in the bright sunshine in my backyard typing this and I give you this picture of me, sitting on the western edge of Canada:

Happy Canada Day everyone!

What Happens In Seattle When I Avoid the 1511

4 intrepid young women.

Drive 230 km.

To buy 7 pairs of shoes.

50 points to the first person who correctly identifies which 2 of these are mine.

¹for a recounting of what happens in Seattle when I don't avoid the 151, see here.

Home Sweet Home

Yup, I'm back in the land of vegetables, mild weather and hockey teams that kick ass! A more detailed blog posting of my adventures in Cowtown will be forthcoming*, but for now suffice it to say that my view of the mountains from my office window is just as stunning, and my job just as fun, as when I left.

The reason that I don't have time to post now is that I am off to yet another free movie screening. This time it's Disturbia - a movie with the rather uninspired tagline "Every killer lives next door to someone" and which sounds like it may be a rip off of "Rear Window". I've been hearing radio ads for it ALL DAY LONG, since it is officially released on Friday. It better be good! And I better win some swag. I'm still jealous of Kalev's Touristas shot syringe.


*in the meantime, read Dave's summary. He was a responsible blogger and wrote his blog posting, I'm assuming based on the rapidity of its appearance in the blogosphere, on his flight home.

The Badlands

Yesterday, we went to the Badlands. They were wickedly cool. They also have the richest museum EVER!

Here is a picture of the Albertasaurus:


Like most Albertans, it's a carnivore and kind of an a-hole.

This one is of another dinosaur, I think it's called a Vancouversaurus.



It's a tree hugger.

The Only Store in Calgary That Isn't a Boot Shop or an Adult Video Store

Weekend in the Mountains

Since every Calgarian that we have asked, "hey, what's good to do around here?" has told us (a) "you should come here during Stampede in July!", or (b) "um, leave Calgary", we decided to take them up on option (b) and spent the last two days in the mountains. We visited a number of places, including Canmore, Banff, Lake Louise in Alberta and Field & Golden in BC.

This is the view outside the hostel we slept at last night, in Field, BC:










































And this was a stop sign we saw in Golden, BC:

Comedy of Errors, Calgary-style

So, yesterday I was supposed to have a teleconference for work^*. After re-confirming 16 times that Pacific Time is one hour behind Mountain Time, not after it^**, and sorting out the whole issue that Justin doesn't actually have a landline (i.e., borrowing his cell phone instead and being very apologetic for using up all his minutes), I skipped out at the end of lunch just before 4 pm^*** (the scheduled time of the call), leaving Sarah, Dave and Justin in the restaurant to go sit in Justin's car with the cell phone to make my call. There was only one slight problem with this plan - the car was gone. Apparently we had parked at ~3 pm on a street where there is no parking between 3:30-6:30 pm. We'd parked at a meter and none of us had noticed the sign informing us of this salient fact. So I go running back up the street to tell S, D & J that the car is gone and that I would be across the street in the coffee shop doing my teleconference. I managed to call into the conference line and, fortunately, despite calling in at 4:02 pm, no one else was yet there^****. When the first person logs in, she informs me that the cell phone is totally breaking up and that I should really get on a landline. I inform her that the person I'm staying with doesn't have one, but I could go outside to the pay phone. Yes, outside in the -10 degree weather for what could potentially be an hour long conference call. So outside I go, forced to abandon the $2 coffee I'd just bought so that I could stay in the coffee shop^*****. However, by the time I got outside and across the road, we discovered that half the people on the call didn't, for various reasons, have the materials I'd couriered to them before I left, so we need to re-schedule the meeting for next week. Of course, I was secretly glad for this, because I really didn't relish the idea of staying outside on a payphone for an hour in the freakin' snow (!), although it does mean that I'll have to do some emailing to re-arrange the meeting. But at least I will be able to call in from the comfort of my own office, where it is warm and toasty and I have a view of the beautiful mountains and there is no snow^******. By the time I got off the call, Justin had confirmed that his car had, in fact, been towed and he and Dave were going to make the trek to the impound lot, while Sarah and I would trek back to Justin's apartment. I, without my touque, which I had left in the now impounded car, was not terribly happy about this development. However, we made it back, and Justin got his car out of impound^******* and then all was right with the world. And later on in the night, at a bar on the Red Mile, we watched the Flames lose to the San Jose Sharks and all was even more right with the world. Except for the lack of hot boys in this city. Every second girl you see in this city looks like a model, every guy appears to be 5 ft 1 or shorter. I did see one hot boy at The Mynt^******** last night, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't from here.

Also, check out Dave's blog to learn "More Things You Didn't Know About Calgary"

^*Yes, I'm working on my vacation. I'm *that* dedicated. Wait, I'm taking vacation one month into my new job... OK, maybe not so dedicated after all.

^**On the plane ride her, I switched my watch back an hour instead of forward an hour and couldn't figure out why it was so dark at 7:30 p.m. when we were landing.

^***Yes, we have lunch at 3 pm. So?

^****Since I was the one coordinating the meeting, I didn't want to be late.

^*****As I'd left my travel mug in the now towed car, I'd got my coffee in a to-stay mug and didn't think they'd appreciate if I took it out of the shop.

^******in my office. There will probably still be snow on the mountains.

^********Not to be mistaken for Gay Mynt Belfast, starring Titti von Tramp. Because I'm pretty sure that's illegal here in Cal-gary.

The Land That Vegetables Forgot

Start of our second full day in Calgary. Yes, we start our day at 11:35 am - do you have a problem with that? Actually, we've been up for a little while, feeding our Facebook addictions* and drinking tea and eating brekkie.

Oh ya, so Calgary has totally turned me into an environment-destroying monster. Yesterday when Dave and Justin went out to get us coffee, I forgot to give them my travel mug, so I used my first paper cup of the Roll Up the Rim to Win season**. And today I used the oven (as in the real, full-sized oven) to toast my English muffin. Before you know it I will be driving a stretch SUV.

As for the title of this post, I think you can guess what this means. It's not called Cowtown for nothing, folks. But it's OK, we went to Safeway and bought a bunch o' food. Here's a pic of the fridge when we'd been to the liquor store, but not yet the grocery store. See if you can spot the food in this fridge***:

Also, be sure to check out Dave's list of "things you didn't know about Cowtown" - I'm sure you will find it insightful and informative. Especially the stuff about the boot stores.

*Except Justin, who thinks that all this computer stuff is anti-social and why aren't we all just using messenger pigeons for communication and listening to records?

**For the record, I Rolled Up the Rim to Not Win.

***It's sort of like "Where's Waldo".

Cowtown

We our now in Calgary! I'm typing this on stolen wireless - there are about 15 unsecured wireless networks that I can detected in the friend's place where we are staying! Go "default"!

When Sarah and I got to the airport, we were both pretty hungry, but the Timmy Ho's before you pass security didn't appear to make sandwiches, so we figured we'd go to the Timmy Ho's that we know is past security instead. Which turned out to not be open. It was like 6 pm. 'cuz no one goes to the airport after 6 pm, right? Our dinner instead: half a bag of jalapeno chips and a king-sized peanut butter cup each. I'm pretty sure that fits nicely into the food guide, right?

Our flight was uneventful, except for the fact that once we got here, our plane had to sit on the tarmac for about 20 minutes because our ground crew was de-icing some other plane. And we both really, really had to pee, but we were supposed to "remained seated with your seat belt fastened." Sarah finally gave up waiting and went to the bathroom on the plane... and that's when the plane finally drove the 2 ft to the gate.

When we finally got off the plane, we discovered (a) Dave's plane was delayed, so he wouldn't be there for another an hour and a half, (b) they have temperatures in the minus here and (c) you don't actually have to pay for parking at the airport. Apparently there are lots of things you don't have to pay for in Calgary... parking at the airport, taking transit within the downtown core, cable TV. They have so much freaking money in this province, they don't know what to do with it. They do not, however, appear to have any vegetables here.

Western Canadian Hijinks

As I write this, Sarah is in a cab on her way here from YVR. We spend now until Tuesday in Vancouver (I have to work on Monday & Tuesday, but I have tomorrow, Sat & Sun to goof off), and then on Tuesday night we fly to Calgary, where our plan will land within minutes of Dave's flight from Ottawa, and then our friend Justin will whisk us all away to stay for a week at his downtown abode. I am told by pretty much everyone I know that has lived in, or ever even been to, Calgary that we need to go to Cowboys.

I'll keep y'all posted.

Oh ya, and big props to my boys, you have clinched a playoff spot. I can practically taste the Cup.

Update: SARAH is here!!! (Apparently I'm a slow typist!) And you'll never guess who was on her plane! David. Freaking. Emerson!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!

Jealous

Danielle's best friend, Tamara, has just returned from traveling to Fiji/New Zealand/Thailand and is staying with us for a few days, before she heads off to Cuba for her sister's wedding. As I write this, she is having her first hot shower in a month.

Danielle is heading to Belize for Reading Week on Friday; Kalev & Kyle leave for Hawaii shortly thereafter; Jason heads to Bolivia in March. And don't even get me started on Sarah & Dave and their 15 cruises per year.

I really do need either a job or a sugar daddy so that I can go to cool places too!