The Naughty but Nice Sex Show. And I did I mention they had lube?

This weekend was the Taboo Naughty but Nice Sex Show. It's held every year and I've always wanted to go and so yesterday I finally got around to doing just that. And, I have to say, I was kind of disappointed. I'm not sure what I expected exactly. I guess I just expected more variety. Every single booth seemed to have the same thing - if you were in the market for lube, vibrators, lube, a sexy Catholic school girl outfit or lube, you were in luck. But how many vibrator-lube-sexyCatholicschoolgirloutfit-and-lube booths can one person really look at in an afternoon?

The show is supposed to be like a trade show. And aren't trade shows supposed to be about showing the newest ¹ innovations? I have to say that, based on this show, there really isn't any innovation in vibrator technology... with the notable exception of the vibrator that attaches to your iPod and then vibrates in time with your music. Seriously.

Other "highlights"² of the show include:

• A show on the main stage that I didn't actually watch, but more was subjected to as I walked by. A show by Blyssful Productions - "Home of Blyss, the World's Only Dominatrix Clown." You know, Blyss, there's a reason why there aren't any other dominatrix clowns in the world. Because who the f@$#^ wants to watch a dominatrix clown???
• At one booth, they were selling what were essential baby wipes for grown ups. The product was not so much what was interesting here as the explanation about this product's usefulness given by the saleswoman. And I quote: "These are great to keep in your car. You know, like if you have a quickie and he comes inside you, these are great for cleaning up." That's just not something you hear everyday. She also explained that they smell really good. Because you know, you smell bad. Similarly there was a cream to help "tighten" you up³. Can't you just see some guy buying that for his girlfriend? "Here honey, I bought you this cream 'cuz you are kinda loose. Oh ya, and you smell bad, so I bought these wipes."
  

All in all, I'd have to say that it would be better to spend an afternoon having sex than going to this show.

¹I've never been to a trade show, but that's what I always thought they were about.
²And by highlights I mean, um, lowlights.
³Honestly, I'm not making any of this up!

WTF

Did you know that women's ski jumping isn't an Olympic sport? Did you know that there were any Olympic sports where men can play but women can't?

I had no idea until I read this news article and this news article. Apparently, female ski jumpers filled a gender discrimination complaint with the Canadian Human Rights Commission back in September and a decision is expected soon.

Remind me again what year this is? 1908?

In related news, what would possess someone to name their child "Dick Pound"?

Not to Be Trusted to Click a Link

Apparently not everyone cares to hear about my thigh highs. Today I received this lovely message over email:

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE GOD DAMN NOT TO BE TRUSTED WITH KNIVES EMAILS I KEEP GETTING??????????
HO THE FUCK ARE YOU????
STOP SENDING ME YOUR FUCKING USELESS STUPID FUCKING EMAILS....I DONT GIVE A CRAP ABOUT YOUR HOLY MOTHER FUCKING NYLONS
YOU CAN SHOVE EM STRAIGHT UP UR ASS YOU STUPID FUCK
TAKE ME OFF YOUR FUCKING EMAIL LIST

Below this message was my latest blog posting, followed by this:

You are subscribed to email updates from Not To Be Trusted With Knives To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now.	Email Delivery powered by FeedBurner
Inbox too full? Subscribe to the feed version of Not To Be Trusted With Knives in a feed reader.
If you prefer to unsubscribe via postal mail, write to: Not To Be Trusted With Knives, c/o FeedBurner, 20 W Kinzie, 9th Floor, Chicago IL USA 60610

Perhaps if this individual took the time to READ instead of yelling and swearing at me, they would notice the lines saying "You are subscribed to email updates" and "To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now." I can see how it would be difficult to notice the link saying "unsubscribe now," seeing as it is underlined and in bright blue. Hell, there's even instructions on how to unsubscribe via snail mail, if you prefer.

Not having much faith in this person's ability to understand this very complicated procedure, rather than reply I've clicked the link to unsubscribe them. But they are now going to seriously miss out on some killer nylon stories.

McD's Newest Ad Platform: Report Cards

So McDonald's is advertising on kids' report cards now. Wow.

Products That I Just Don't Understand

On my recent flight to Vegas, I found myself flipping through "SkyMall" - the catalog for those who can't last a whole three hours without satisfying their need to purchase stuff. And this catalog was rife with items that I just can't imagine anyone actually purchasing. Things like:

Seriously? Do people really want to brand their beef?

And you might think it's just because I'm a vegetarian that I wouldn't want to buy a beef brand. But I also don't want to brand my toast:

And while it was the branding of the toast by this product that first caught my attention, upon closer reading of the description of this item, I noticed this:

Seriously? We need a digital countdown to tell us when our toast is ready? Doesn't the "pop" of the toaster popping tell you all you need to know? And then I noticed this:

Are people really willing to pay $130 for a toaster that tells you when the toast is ready... just like every other toaster ever invented???

Here's another product I just don't get. Perhaps I'm missing something here, but I just don't understand why you would buy this:

If you have a device that uses wifi, doesn't it already detect hot spots and their signal strength? Why would you need a separate item, which doesn't do anything else, for this purpose?

Want to make sure your kid grows up to be a good consumer? Why not give them a fake ATM to play with:

Much like with cola, it's important to start kids' learning about how to spend-spend-spend early!

I think this picture speaks for itself:

Giddy up!!

And thank god I can finally "STOP COUNTING THUNDER!"

Because, you know, I spend so much time counting thunder, this is going to be a real time saver!

And can someone explain to me how, exactly, they get away with saying this is the "world's largest" storage tower?

Really? You've seen all the CD storage towers in the entire world and this one is the biggest? Really?

Next up, Items That I Would NEVER Use to Decorate My Place:

This totally makes me think of the "major award" that the father wins in A Christmas Story.

And what yard is complete without a two foot tall statue of Bigfoot? Creative gardening style indeed!

This is just sad. I don't want a "total environmental makeover"¹ - I want a Christmas tree, dammit!

Now we have Items That Allow You to More Effectively Neglect Your Pets:

Because cats are just so high maintenance that you need a device to keep them occupied "so you can do other things." Why do I suspect that the "other things" the type of person who buys this item has to do are, like, watching TV for 8 hours straight? "Momma's watchin' her stories, kitty, go play with your laser."

Also for people who are too busy for their pets, why not get this lovely 8 Day Autopetfeeder:

Going away for 8 days? Sure, you could do the responsible thing and have someone watch your pet, or put them in a cat-spa/doggy daycare/whatever you call those places where actual human beings care for your pets while you are away, but why not just leave them some food in an automated dish instead? I mean, what else could your pet need in EIGHT DAYS??

Finally, we have Items That Make Me Shake My Head in Disbelief at the State of Humanity.

Such as this brush that regrows hair:

It's "consistently seen in the news and magazines,"² so who I am to question that?

And this sure looks like good times:

"Imagine the faces of your pre-game buddies when they see you kicking back in this"?² Shouldn't that say "imagine the faces of your pre-game buddies when they kick your ass for spending $200 to look like an asshat?

This one just makes me sad.

This woman not only has no one to spoon her and has to use this pillow to simulate spooning, but she got herself a rose. Because clearly no one else loves her.

Perhaps she's alone because she "easily hid" this item in the car...

... to find out where her spouse was going³.

And finally, because you should always save the best for last:

It's about time we had cookies that make you lose weight! As a nutritional scientist, I can see absolutely nothing wrong with this idea. Nothing!

¹Who writes this stuff anyway?
²ibid
³Which reminds me, while waiting for luggage at Vancouver airport after the flight home, the man next to me was very loudly talking to his buddies about HIS MISTRESS! Saying things like "So my wife was kind of suspicious, but I said, "I can't even handle you, what would I do with two women??" and "Never admit it. Never. That's the two million dollar mistake." So if you (or someone you know) have a husband who flew from Vegas to Vancouver on US Airways on November 3, you (or they) might want to get yourself a good lawyer - apparently there's 2 million dollars in it for you.

Nancy, don't read this post! You too Jeff!1

My niece is turning 3 this month. So, being the super aunt that I am, I actually decided to buy her present well in advance of the date, in order to be able to it to her in time for the big day².

So, I’m standing in a toy store and another shopper notices my deer-in-headlights look and says to me, "Are you looking for a birthday gift?" and when I say "Yes!!" her immediate question is, "For a boy or a girl?"

"A three year old… girl," I say, with a bit of hesitation. To me, the "three year old" is the more important part, but to her, not so much.

"Oh, I only have boys, so I know all about toys for boys, but not for girls."

"I never buy girly toys," I say. "I prefer "boy" toys³ myself."

She shows me this air hockey toy thing were you get to kick the disc thingy, which floats on air of its own accord, around your house. Its edges are padded so it's OK to play inside.⁴

"Too bad it's hockey," she says, "They used to have a soccer one." "I play hockey!" I say, "This is perfect!"

And it was like she didn’t even hear me. Almost as if “girl” and “hockey” in the same sentence did not compute within her brain. She just kept going on about the soccer one.

We chat for a little while longer and then, as she leaves, despite the fact that I am holding the air hockey toy and have loudly declared “I am *totally* buying her this!”, she says "It really is too bad they don't have the soccer one, it would have been perfect for her."

WTF? I mean, the soccer one is the EXACT SAME TOY, just painted differently!

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve actually decided to give my niece the hockey toy for Christmas because I’m going to Ontario for the holidays, so I won’t have to mail it (it’s kind of big for mailing). This is in no way because I want to be able to play with this toy too, which I can’t do if I mail it to her now, but I can if I bring it with me for Christmas. I can’t believe you would even suggest that!

For her birthday I’m giving her this:

I found this toy in the same store while talking to the woman who is unable to understand that girls can play hockey. My sister had this game when we were little. You fill it up with water and then you press the little white button on the front to send the little balls floating up and you try to get them into the little plastic bucket in front of the crab. Simple, but I swear to you, hours and hours of fun!! And if Madeline doesn’t like it, I know that Nancy will!

I also got her this:

It’s bubbles that don’t burst when you touch them, so you can like grab them and carry them around with you. God knows what chemical is in them that allows this to happen and I’m sure we’ll all get cancer and die from it, but damn, that sounds like hours and hours of fun!!

¹That title is there because I don't want my sister and her bf to read this blog posting because it will ruin the surprise for them of what I got Madeline for her birthday.

²Unlike the rest of all y'all, who routinely receive your birthday presents from me a month after your actual birthday. Apparently I am a super aunt, but somewhat of a mediocre friend.

³By which I mean toys that are marketed for male children. Not the other kind of "boy toy." Not that I object to those personally, just not for my niece!

⁴If the idea of people kicking stuff around in your house is a problem, Nancy, speak now or forever hold your peace. Oh righ, I told you not to read this posting… hee hee!

OK, so THIS is the least useful email I've ever received

So, I get into work this morning and the hallway is abuzz with the fact that our computers aren't working. No email. No Internet access. No access to the one drive where everyone in our Centre saves all of our files. Nothing.

Two and a half hours later, when they finally got around to fixing the problem, I find this email in my inbox:

From: IT Services
Subject:
IMPORTANT NOTIFICATION - NON-SCHEDULED INTERRUPTION TO

OUTLOOK EMAIL AND FILE/APPLICATION SERVERS

Who is affected? All XXXXX clients across all XXXXX agencies.

What has happened? A power disruption occurred sometime this morning in one of the server rooms at XXXXX.

What is affected? Access to Outlook email servers may be intermittent.

However, the following applications are currently unavailable: X, Y and Z.

Other applications may be affected. XXXXX IT is currently in the process of identifying which applications are affected and will provide a further update as soon as more information is available.

You just emailed me to tell me that my email isn't working? Seriously??

So, without access to the Internet, email or any of my computer files, I did the only thing I could. File all the paper that's been piling up all over my office since the last time the computers weren't working.

This computer outage lasted so long, however, that not only did I file everything, I also wiped down all the coffee spills on my desk (of which there were many) and took apart my keyboard to get the crumbs out. Seriously, it was disgusting the amount of crumbs and dust and unidentifiable gunk that was in my keyboard.

While I had my computer apart, I took this photo for y'all:

The least useful email I have ever received

Wow. I just got the following email message:

Your message did not reach some or all of the intended recipients.

Subject: FW: Guest Speaker Wayne Hall May 4th - please post
Sent: 4/11/2007 9:23 AM

The following recipient(s) could not be reached:

xxxxxxxxxxx on 11/5/2007 4:45 PM

Take a careful look at the "Sent" date. April 11. I am getting a notification on November 5 that an email I sent *seven months ago* didn't get to its intended recipient. That's so very, very useful.

Transmorphers?

Really?

Finally, I can pay off those student loans

Just received this email:

From:DR NICK COLE.
Manchester M27 5FX, United Kingdom.

This is to inform you that your funds of US$10 Million has been approved for immediate delivery to you.For the purpose of clarification,you are advised to reconfirm:
(1)Your Full Names---------
(2)Your Direct Telephone Numbers--------
(3)Your Physical Address with Zip Code-------

So that there will be no error during the delivery of the funds to you in your country of residence.Your quick response will be highly appreciated.

DR NICK COLE.

Thank god. I can really use $10 Million, even if it is in crappy US dollars.

Oh Em Gee

OMG. I just saw this over on Kris's blog and I had to share it with you. HAD TO.

Behind the Visor

For years, I've been using a visor on my hockey helmet that doesn't fit properly¹. In fact, I've been using it since I started playing hockey almost 5 years ago. It was a handy-me-down from my ex - he didn't like playing with a full face shield, so got himself a half visor and I acquired the ill-fitting full one². After 4 years of hockey, this visor is now scratched all to hell and it's always fogged up something terrible. And, really, when you think about it, it's probably not the best idea to have your safety equipment jury-rigged together. So I finally broke down and bought my own properly fitting visor.

Attaching said visor to my helmet, however, was no small feat. I mean, look at these directions:

Aside from the fact the chart that tells you if this visor will actually fit your particular helmet is *inside* the packaging (meaning you don't know for sure until you buy it if it's going to fit), you seem to need an engineering degree to assemble this damn thing. They appear to have one set of instructors for like 5 different types of visors, so it's all "For concept II protectors (type 1 and 2), thread the chin strap through the chin cup and face protector as shown in figures 2 and 4." And I'm all "mine is what concept? what type? whose figure? My cat's breath smells like cat food." I mean, for crying out loud, you need a 3 part picture, with multiple arrows, just to loop the chinstrap through the side of the visor:

... and that's before you even start attaching screws and clips and suchlike. Speaking of which, does anyone have any idea what these screws are for?

Because they were left over when I was done and I don't see anything in the instructions saying what I was supposed to have done with them.

Anyway, although it did take much longer that I expected, by some miracle I seem to have attached the new visor to the helmet in enough time to actually blog this before I have to go pick up my co-op car for tonight's game.

Also, I'm fighting off a cold, so I've affixed some warning signs to my water bottle:

Hockey players tend to drink out of any bottle on the bench and, since I'd hate to get any more people sick than I've already infected, I figured a couple of bright purple signs will help.

¹It's an adult-sized visor and all my equipment is junior boys.
²I'm of the opinion that this face is far too pretty not to have full protection.

Sugar Daddies, Inc.

So I just saw an ad for this: http://www.seekingmillionaire.com/

From their site:

Seeking Millionaire is the premier Millionaire dating site.

The premier site for millionaire online dating. Not one of those cut rate ones.

You know, you'd think with all those millionaires paying to be on this site, they be able to afford and editor to tell them that the second "millionaire" in that sentence shouldn't be capitalized.

Dear Girl on her Cell Phone in the Movie Theatre Bathroom,

Please note that it is not acceptable to talk on a cell phone while using the bathroom. I mean, I'm sure it was very, very important that you tell your friend/lover/parent/baby daddy "I just saw Resident Evil!" but I really do think that this could wait for 30 seconds until you are done using the facilities. Saying "I'm in the bathroom" and then flushing the toilet while on the phone - also not acceptable.

Sincerely,

Everyone Else on the Planet.

In the space of twenty-four hours, three people have asked me for advice on whether they should make a major career change. Which I find a bit funny, seeing as I'm the one who was so recently unemployed and couldn't even find a job for six months.

Pierre Chretien

I was just reading this article on the Global TV website and was looking at the "photo gallery" of the "10 Worst Canadians," as voted on by any jackass with Internet access. When I got to #6 in the photo gallery, I noticed this oddity:

[Click on the pic to see it in its full-sized glory]

Pierre Chretien¹? Really, Global TV? Really?

You seriously need to fire your editor.


¹For the benefit of my American readers, the man in that photo is Jean Chretien. He was our Prime Minister for just over a decade (Nov 1993 to Dec 2003). Certainly long enough for us to have learned his name.

Stupidest Toe Injury Ever

Today, on the way to work. My flip flop flipped when it should have flopped and, as a result, my big toe scraped along the ground, taking a big chunk out of it in the process.

This incident of stupidity has been brought to you by the letter J<sup>1

1</sup>as in, I am a jackass.

Something New For Me To Be Pissed Off About

Friday night after my softball game, my team went to the pub for some hard earned post-game beers. A few of my teammates got some of those pull-tab lottery thingys, where if you pull a tab to discover three of a kind, you win cash. As they were discarding the non-winning tickets onto the table, I picked one up to have a look at it and look what I discovered:


Why the hell is the female symbol (♀) only worth $25, but the male (♂) symbol worth $100? What the f is up with that???

What the F is That?

I've decided to start an irregular* feature here on "Blog That Needs a New Name" - a feature called: What the F is That?

In this feature, I will put up a photo and the first person to correctly identify what the f is in the photo will win valuable BTNaNN points**.

OK, are you ready? Here's the first entry. Who can tell me what the f this is:

And it is so not what you are thinking it is.

Any guesses?

*irregular in that it will not be a daily, or weekly, or monthly feature, but rather will show up based completely on my whims, the availability of weird photos and/or my lack of other ideas of things to blog about.

**those in possession of Thesis Writing is Hell (or Thesis Writing was Hell) points can transfer them to BTNaNN points upon request

The Funniest Spam I Received This Week

This delightful piece of spam somehow escaped my spam filter and ended up in my inbox. I usually just ignore things like this, that are obviously spam, but for some reason I read this one and couldn't help but laugh:

Dear Sir/Madam,

RBC Financial Group always looks forward for the high security of our clients. Some customers have been receiving an email claiming to be from RBC Financial Group advising them to follow a link to what appear to be a RBC Financial Group web site, where they are prompted to enter their personal Online Banking details. RBC Financial Group is in no way involved with this email and the web site does not belong to us.

RBC Financial Group is proud to announce about their new updated secure system. We updated our new SSL servers to give our customers a better, fast and secure online banking service.

Due to the recent update of the servers, you are requested to please update your account info at the following link.

https://www1.royalbank.com/english/netaction/sgne.html

RBC Financial Group
Security Advisor
RBC Financial Group

The spammers have now taken to trashing spammers in their spam. And you just know some people get this email and thought, "Ya, it's about time the bank warned us about spammers trying to get us to go to false websites where they steal our banking info! Now I'm going to click on this link and type in all my banking info! That'll show you, spammers!"

For the record, that's not actually a link there... I took out the link and just made it blue & underlined... those spammers will be getting no link love from the likes of me!